Full two weeks for recovery, from almost dying of my sickness, whether it’s physically, and mentally.
What can I say? I’ve got a dengue fever? (demam berdarah, I don’t know what they call in english ) and then I heard the news, it struck me in a second, but it left me thinking about it for the rest of day.
From what people see, I’m just doing fine, but it’s useless to cry it loud. I’m not the type who let my feeling exposed by everyone, and for some lame excuses, I don’t intended to start so.
So, here I am whining in this blog, not to cry or let every single couple in this world laugh at me and pity myself as a zuhra-you-bad-and-sad-looser, but I think that’s fine, since no body who read this even know the problem. And don’t pretend to know it. Just let my blabla thing flows.
I kinda feel ashamed of my self. When I heard that she really gets married soon. It’s like torn kicking my head and my head starts banging. Why? I’m asking. But after thinking what I’ve done to her, I really realize that I’ve been nothing to her except as her plain old friend. No sign, no talking, no connection, nothing as far as I know that can make her know that I do love her. Just a simple chit chat that weren’t so often or serious.
So, it’s just like dealing with a smoke. I can smell it, can feel it, I know it’s real, but I can’t touch it. It will disappear in a short period and became a past.
A little tragic and nostalgic maybe, and some idiotic though may come out of me: “Hope that day never happen”, or “I wish I could do it differently from the beginning” or “I wish I had courage before”, or though that somehow dealt with the destiny. But it’s a dream. And nothing I could do to change it, because it’s not gonna happens at all.
Love? Waitaminit. I Don’t Think so…
Later on, this thing still stuck in my mind. I try to contemplate and in the end I don’t think this is a really huge problem for my life. Yes, I feel a little bit sorry and sad about things that happen, but at the same time, I feel relieved. She never took the wrong way before, and I bet 100% that she’s really happy with what she chooses. What can I regret? Her happiness not with me, its obviously a destiny. Maybe its not a love at all, maybe its kinda dramatic feeling that has been exaggerated, and not true, kind of jealous to my (opposite sex) friend, that she already took the fate and take the big chance in her life to get married, while I’m still holding my breath over my study here, or because our condition of friendship will never be the same level as before, because she already has a husband. It’s just as I though of her as my pal, and I feel sorry that we don’t mean to be destined, but the most important thing is, she is happy with her life.
And me, it still a long journey to pass thru, while she goes a different way and end her single life now. in the other hand, I still don’t have any slightest clue how to end it that way and start a new beginning as a couple of married human. She already grown up and not as the same as little friend I used to think. That makes me feel jealous about, or admire, maybe.
I think this feeling is too bizarre to be a love, because It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought before.
Well, I can only hope she’s doing well with her husband, and anything’s good happens to them along the way.
Its not a love maybe, just a little jealously, or kinda sad feeling over my own friend, about what she’s already accomplished, when I’m not. Whose know. But I’ll treasure it in my heart….